Nat 2.0

21/08/2023
personalmental health

Well, it's been a long long time since I posted anything on my personal blog...

Like almost a decade...

But, well, things have been, a rollercoaster, in the last two years, and I just want to vent.

At the end of 2021, I got a psychological shock that made me break an atypical depression. At the same time, I met and fell in love with what, for the next year, would be the woman of my life.

During 2022 I started on a new job, on Microsoft nonetheless.
Finally got the correct HRT dose and medication.
Got in love, hard!

And at the same time my mother got detected a colon cancer, same that basically killed my grandma. So, well, it's just a matter of time I get the same.

Being free of the atypical depression I started discovering what I really liked, my real feelings, and some traits, that made me suspect I could be autistic.

On mid 2022, I moved with that woman, and everything was happiness and smiles. Until it wasn't...

I won't explain what happened in detail, but while 2022 was the best year of my life, 2023 became the worst in just a few weeks after New Year.

My partner and me broke, I moved back to my home island, lost all friends I had made in 2022, spent an insane amount of money in all the moving back and forward, and started to fall into a deep, deep hole, until...

The 2nd July 2023 I attempted to commit suicide. Second attempt in my life.

Ended in the psychiatric ward, got prescribed some anti-schizophrenic and anti-depressants, and things then started to get clear.

First thing that had to change, was my acceptance, of animal suffering. I have knew, for many years, the suffering and exploitation that humans impose on animals, for food, clothing, entertainment, etc.
And I just accepted it as part of my life.
Couldn't anymore... I would never be happy accepting their suffering.

That's why from that same day, I became vegan.

With the help of my psychologist, my psychiatrist, the medications and a lot of introspection, I discovered many things about myself, some good, some bad, some worse.

Possibly schizophrenic

I do not have a formal diagnose for this, but I do have most of the positive symptoms, and many of the negative ones.

From at least, the start of 2023:

  • I started to have visual and acoustic hallucinations.
  • I got persecution delusions. Yes I think someone, specific person, wants to harm me, and is proactively trying to gather information to do so.
  • I got more and more and more obsessed with the idea of being left alone, never to be loved anymore, deprived of social relations.

And surely the stress of breaking up my love relationship worsened everything.

Well as for the negative symptoms, since moving back, I was unable to do anything: code, read, watch a movie, just be with my mom. I spent half of the day crying in the bed, and all the night in obsessive thoughts about loneliness.

But the anti-schizophrenic medications stopped all that.
Allowed me to focus back.
Allowed me to ignore the persecution, continue my life even so.
Stopped the obsessive thoughts.

So well yeah, not formally diagnosed, but most probably, I have paranoid schizophrenia.

Definitively autistic

I had some suspicions, that some of my "traits" corresponded with autistic traits.

After the suicide attempt, I recognized even more traits.

And stopping trying to fit, just being myself, with those traits, made me glow, be happier, and gave me control over my anxiety.

Now I have more energy during the day, and do not feel like shite at the end of the day.

Just a week before writing this, my psychiatrist confirmed the diagnose: I have, what they call "Asperger, or high functioning Autism". So yeah, I'm autistic.

And now I can find the proper tools to be mentally healthy.

Utterly social, with a limit

I need to socialize. And I need to socialize physically more than virtually.

But I have limits, moments where I must leave, disappear, or disconnect from the world.

And I wasn't respecting those limits, I was constantly online, constantly speaking with everybody, and it took a hit on my mental health.

But I need to socialize. While I can be perfectly alone, it must be MY CHOICE, not imposed, because that is the source of my atypical depression before 2021, and is the source of the obsessive thoughts that the schizophrenia brings up.

Future

Well, I just wanted to vent a little.

I don't know what will I do with this blog, write something technical, something personal, maybe nothing in months. But I wanted to have it working, and online.

I'm somewhat active in other social networks, so take note:

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